Decisions
by sue-sylvester-shuffle
Summary: Overcome with depression after seeing Lily and James out in Diagon Alley, Severus Snape meets his old Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, outside of the Three Broomsticks. In an attempt to comfort Severus, Dumbledore teaches him a valuable lesson on love.


Severus slunk through Diagon Alley, head low, allowing his long, dark hair to hide his face from the world. Happy, bubbly voices were erupting all around him. The man's hands shook.

And then he heard a familiar voice, a voice that made his head snap up as fast as his neck could allow it to. It was a male voice that sent a shiver of fear down his spine; a shiver that hadn't plagued him in years.

Severus scanned the crowd; there he was. _James Potter. _The name sent a burst of hatred, hot and fierce as fire, through Severus's body. The tall ex-Quidditch player was grinning and nodding, his hazel eyes glimmering in the afternoon sun. His hand was entwined with someone's; it was-

_Bam. _The rush of longing and remorse that hit Severus almost knocked him clean off of his feet. There she was; Lily Evans- no, it would be Lily _Potter _now- smiling up at her husband as she talked animatedly. Severus took a deep, shaky breath. All he wanted was to have her look up at him, smile, and call, "Sev!" But it wouldn't happen. As far as he knew, she still despised him. As much as he would love just to hear her _voice, _Severus decided to spare himself the agony he'd no doubt feel when he saw the dislike on her round face.

It had been years since he'd seen her, but she still looked the same; her explosively thick ginger hair fell like weightless cotton candy around her shoulders, flecked with fresh, falling snow, and her green eyes were bright and full of life. However, there was one thing different about her- it was her stomach, protruding outwards. She had one of her hands placed gently atop it, as if to protect the unborn child inside of her.

Seeing Lily pregnant with _James Potter_'s child was like a punch to Severus's stomach. Quickly, he turned away, trying to prevent them from seeing him. But it was too late- she called out to him in a voice that was neither friendly nor unfriendly. It sounded more surprised than anything else.

"Severus?"

The long-lost sound of his name on her lips made Severus's heart constrict, even if she did not use the pet nickname she'd made for him. He looked up at them, trying and failing to smile.

"Lily." he greeted, barely holding back the wave of emotion that threatened to infiltrate his voice.

"It's been so long." She had stopped walking when she had seen him, and she stood still now, her emerald eyes wide.

"Lily…" began James condescendingly, looking from Severus to his wife as if Severus were a piece of garbage that Lily need not associate herself with.

"Just a moment, James." Lily said. Leaving her husband standing there, stunned, she approached her childhood friend.

"Lily." Severus breathed again.

"Is that all you can say?" she asked, and for a moment, he could hear the note of amusement that he had once found solace in. The thought brought tears to his eyes. When he nodded in response, lips pursed to prevent himself from sobbing, a look of shock spread briefly across her face. She must have seen the torture behind his dark eyes, if only for a moment.

"Severus…?"

"Goodbye!" Severus half-exclaimed, half-sobbed, and pelted off before she could see the tears beginning to pour from his eyes.

He distinctly heard James remark, "Old Snivellus is crazy as ever, am I right, Lily?" from behind him, but Severus could not have cared less at that moment. He ran and ran until he finally stopped, outside of the Three Broomsticks, where he leaned up against the wall, gasping for breath. Tears dripped down his pallid cheeks, and he hastily wiped his eyes on his sleeve, sliding to his knees in the snow.

He never could have prepared himself for seeing her again. Her… and James… and their unborn child, a little baby Potter. It was the family that Severus was supposed to have… _his _hand that Lily should be holding…

"Severus?"

The dark-haired man looked up, eyes wide, to see Albus Dumbledore standing next to him. The old man looked concerned, his brilliant blue eyes sparkling kindly.

"D…Dumbledore?"

Dumbledore held out his hand, and Severus took it, pulling himself to his feet. "Why don't you come in for a drink, my boy, and you can tell me what is wrong." the old Headmaster.

"I'm fine, sir." Severus lied, wiping his eyes once more and stepping slightly away from Dumbledore. "I just… just want to go back home."

"Oh, don't be so standoffish." Dumbledore said lightly. "Come on. I'm buying."

"Well…" Perhaps a drink was the best thing to take his mind off of Lily. "…maybe just _one._"

Dumbledore chuckled. "Good, good. Alright, come, Severus…"

They stepped into the bar, and sat down at the very front. "Two Butterbeers, please." Dumbledore called to Madam Rosmerta when she passed.

"Of course, Albus." She smiled at him, and headed off to fetch the drinks. Dumbledore turned to Severus.

"So, how have you been? It's been years since I saw you… three years, I think…"

"I'm okay." Severus replied quietly, although he was sure Dumbledore, of all people, would not continually buy his lies.

Rosmerta returned, dropping a Butterbeer in front of each of them. "Here you are." she said cheerily, winking at Dumbledore and sauntering off.

Severus sipped forlornly at his Butterbeer, not speaking. Dumbledore, however, smiled at his sullen, dark former student. "Isn't this nice?" he asked genially. "I always love a good Butterbeer. What about you, Severus?"

"Yes, it's quite nice." replied Severus darkly.

"Now why don't you tell me what's bothering you?" Dumbledore said kindly.

"I'm just tired, Dumbledore, sir."

"Oh, I think we both know that's not true." Dumbledore replied lightly.

Severus stared mutinously down into his mug, now wishing that he had never agreed to come in with Dumbledore. "Alright. So… so maybe I'm not happy."

"Look, we're already making progress." Dumbledore said, beaming at the dark-haired man. "Why aren't you happy, Severus?"

Severus sighed deeply. All of his bitterness- his anger, fear, sorrow, and remorse- had been stewing inside of him for so many years. Perhaps it wouldn't hurt to tell _someone_\- and he knew that Dumbledore cared for him unconditionally, in that wholehearted, committed way that only Albus Dumbledore could.

"It's Lily." he admitted. "Lily Ev- _Potter. _Lily Potter."

"Ah." Dumbledore nodded sympathetically. "You wish that you were to be the father of her son, and not James Potter, is that correct?"

"A son?" breathed Severus. Hearing the baby's gender just seemed to make everything so much more real."

Dumbledore nodded. "Yes, a son. They plan to name him Harry, you know."

Severus stared away- anywhere, _anywhere _but at Dumbledore.

"Lily chose James. She did not choose you, Severus."

The heavy fist that had been strangling Severus's heart twisted harder. "Don't remind me." the man whispered, still not looking at the elderly Hogwarts Headmaster.

"I haven't finished." said Dumbledore, and Severus fell silent. "As I was saying… Lily did not choose you. The healthiest thing for both of you right now is for you to respect that. I know you love Lily- _present tense, _love, not loved- and I also know that you're hurting right now. But I think if you can just let her _go_-"

"Let her go?" Severus whirled around, his obsidian eyes locking on Dumbledore's bright blue ones. "Let her _go?_"

"Severus, you-"

"I can't just _let her go_." Severus exclaimed, his voice shaking. "I can't, Dumbledore, because I _love _her! You don't know what it _means…_ to _love _someone…"

Dumbledore didn't look away from his former student, although his face crinkled with sadness. "No, Severus, I think it is _you _that doesn't know what it means to love someone."

"What are you-?" Severus was incredulous, so angry he couldn't even speak. How _dare _Dumbledore suggest that he did not understand love- therefore, suggest that he did not love Lily? The thought was preposterous.

"Your parents were not loving. They never showed love, never taught you how. Perhaps you simply never learned."

"How… how did you know…" Severus's voice came in shaking, furious bursts. "…about my parents?"

"Never mind how I know things." said Dumbledore lightly.

"And… _learn _how to _love? _That's ridiculous… you don't _learn _to love… it just happens." Severus continued tremulously.

"It's more of a skill than you think, my boy." Dumbledore replied. "If you really love Lily Evans… you'll let her go."

"Let her go?" The dark-haired man was aghast. "I told you. I can't do that. I could _never _stop loving her… it's impossible, Dumbledore, I swear it can't be done."

"I don't want you to stop loving her." explained the old man, azure eyes twinkling as he spoke. "Love is a wonderful thing, Severus, and I think your love for Lily has saved you more than once. No, I mean you need to accept her decisions. Accept that she loves James Potter, that they are happily married, and that they have a son on the way. Accept that she does not love you, Severus, and that she was not yours to have."

Severus's dark eyes burned with unshed tears as he responded. "Y-Yes, sir. I accept." The words hurt him, but they also felt right somehow. A lump formed in his throat, and he quickly downed the rest of his Butterbeer to try and rid himself of it.

"Good boy." murmured Dumbledore, placing a hand on Severus's shoulder. "I think you're going to be just fine."

For a fleeting moment, Severus thought so too. But then he remembered what he was; a Death Eater who had invented dangerous curses and called Lily Evans a Mudblood. Although he had accepted Lily's decisions, it pained him to the point of tears that she would never accept his.

end


End file.
